Oh, how I love being in the crowd. In the crowd, I can hide well. We're all the same, like a flock of sheep. The church. Everyone has his task, everyone has his place. There I find identity and security. But why am I burnt out and afraid? Why do I have the feeling that people don't really know me there? Didn't we get close to another? Maybe I have become the black sheep? Unnoticed? Did I do something wrong? Or even worse, aren't black sheep black from birth? Will I ever belong?
My thoughts wander in all possible directions. I am no longer focused. I look for the exit. The gate from the pasture. I'm looking for an opening in the fence. I want to run.
I hear a voice: "Don't be a pussy." Is that God?
"The one who enters by the gate is the sheperd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out." John 10:2-3 NIV
No, god's voice, my shepherd's is not. I am a sheep in the crowd and God says: I will open the door to you. Not only you. And I go with you. And God asks me a question: "what will you do when you no longer carry the heavy burdens of others?" I hear him very clearly.
What do you mean, God? I am here to serve. I am called to serve. I have enough strength, you are my strength after all.
Hush. Something that I don't want to believe comes into my mind. „But God“, I whisper, „The others also have the strength!“
And I cry. I don't want to be weak. Being weak is for losers. I am not a loser. I kept getting up. All these years of fighting must have strengthened me and not weakened me. But I see the truth in his loving eyes. Jesus nods his head gently. I am burnt out. For a great long time. And I know the reason. I am concerned. It is another one than I thought. But I feel it very clearly, that's the reason. I am tired. Tired of having to cheer others up tired of always having to be strong.
"And now?" I ask Jesus. Now, he says, you will come with me and drink from the well of life.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 NIV
No, god's voice, my shepherd's is not. I am a sheep in the crowd and god says: I will open the door to you. Not only you. And i go with you. And god asks me a question: "what will you do when you no longer carry the heavy burdens of others?" i hear him very clearly.
But for how long, Lord? How long? I know how long. Until I understand (again) that I am forgiven.