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I Don't Want To Be Someone Else!

I don’t want to be someone else. That’s the thought that is currently running through my head. Why, am I wondering? Why is that bothering me right now?

I am part of a young church. Most faces wear no wrinkles. Legs are covered (if covered) by skinny jeans and hipster socks. If I look around, it’s easy to know that white is the new shoe colour. And even though I am only 36, I can tell that the music sound level I am confronted with during the services is not appropriate for my sensitive ears anymore – I am using earplugs on a regular basis.

At least half of the crowd is under 30. It’s good. The church is alive and not only a place for grannies. It means, there are churches that have found a way of being so attractive to the Millennials, that the message of Jesus has become popular instead of stale. Insta and Pinterest are flooded with deep messages and fun pictures of modern services.

It’s good that we are spreading the gospel on every channel. But I look around and I find that we follow a lot of principles, the marketing world has successfully established to sell their products. And while I am wandering from blog to blog I am wondering how I can stand out. I probably can’t. I find mommy blogs and lifestyle blogs and travel blogs and they all equal each other in fascinating ways. Women have similar hairstyles, dress codes and messages.

They mainly promote, that we are all unique and should be bold enough to be our true selves. The ones God created. The ones, who do not live to please others or to copycat the woman next door (or her Insta account). But what I find is that most of these women love their make up and their filters. And they love sharing photos of their picture perfect homes and their lovely kids and their stylish outfits

I am not much different. I love beautiful things. I love make up and decor and cute outfits. I have a thing for healthy food and yes – I also want to be loved.

I wonder if I should post more of my music, my writing, my sermons – never preached but well prepared. But right now that is not what I want. Right now, I am not even sure if I like Insta blogs, my own blog and other women’s blogs. I am not sure, if I trust myself: Am I really me?

Those people who want to inspire me, make me question myself: Who Am I?

I am partly genes, partly my upbringing. I am who I am because of the people I’ve met, the hairdresser that highlighted my hair 3 weeks ago, and my lovely neighbour who does my fake lashes every other week.

I am who I am because of the joys and pains of a life lived. And the spiritual me wants to proclaim: I am who I am because God made me that way, and His word teaches me who I am. But at times I don't even trust my own spirituality. My spiritual parents are lutheran pastors and their theology is very different from the one in my church. I’ve worked and lived with muslims and I don’t want to be that extreme to say, that they are of the devil and we christians have all the answers. I really love and appreciate their devotion to their faith.

I've admired people in my life. I've learned from great leaders. But the danger is, that I do not recognise that I secretly want their life. That the reason I push so hard and I give so much and I serve so devotedly might be because I am admiring their lifestyle. And that I want what they are having.

I don’t think that is God’s will for my life. Glam is a trap. Yes, it can be inspiring to watch others – but it must eventually lead to myself making bold steps into the right direction, my direction. And that must be in unity with what I believe about God, myself and others.

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