Loved, forgiven and buried. That's what it feels like. The heavy burden of depression. Is it allowed to be sad as a Christian? And, if I am loved and forgiven, why do I sometimes feel so hopeless? So cold. So eternal. Not like eternal heaven, but like eternal death? Where do I take faith in times of winter? Here are a few thoughts to feel good.
Part 1 - Loved
Who am I? Others see me as the wild and rebellious one. Whereas i feel soft and fragile.
Back then, I had no problem sharing my story. As long as I was in the safe haven of the community, I was safe. We were on the road together in the love of God, we who were newly converted. The decided ones. "don't get so involved," my parents used to say. Get involved? Into love? Oh, what is there better than to love? Together we walked in the love of God. We, who longed for healing. We, who wanted to share love. We, the loving. And then? Then it happened. The divorce. The community split. The unthinkable. The painful. We were torn apart. What i thought were inseparable became separate. I wouldn't have gotten so worked up about it. It wouldn't hurt so much now, i thought.
Good that you got involved in this, says the good lord. Otherwise you would never have known what true love is. Good that you are still with me, dear child. Because this way i can guide you through your pain.
Many years have passed. I no longer want to share my story. At least not the whole story. I want to forget the disgusting, ugly parts. I wish for a clean slate, a clean conscience and a clean gravestone with many visitors. But God teaches me to lift the carpet and vacuum the dust under it. To let light into the dark corners.
"But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." 1 John 1:7 comes to mind.
I open the windows wide. I let light in. Into the dark. Into the hardest parts. Into the fragile. Light also falls on the wildflowers in my garden, which shine in all colours even in winter. I want to be wild and rebellious again. Wild and free. "the flowers, they are for you, beloved. They are my gift to you", says god. Flowers from the loving to the beloved.