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Saved But Grumpy?

It is amazing, how we can be Christian and grumpy at the same time! I just read through some pages of one of my old journals and it feels like I found the secret diary of a 14 year old. Let me not tell you WHEN I wrote that stuff down. But I must tell you WHAT I wrote. Praise the Lord.

On one page it says: “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” (Psalm 16:11).

And, glory, on the next page I write: “I won’t waste any time with other people anymore. I don’t have to get along with everyone.”

It is great, isn’t it? And wait for it. Right after that, I’m writing: “Thank you Jesus. I love you more everyday.”

THAT is out of control. I know, we are not allowed to call anyone an idiot, but I was one. I certainly missed the point of God’s love and it’s practical implications towards others.

As I keep on reading, I can feel the pain of my past. I can feel, how people that I’d trusted had betrayed me. I read about the loss of beloved ones, about the boundaries that I’d set in relationships and that others had trespassed so many times. I read between the lines and I read about shame, anger and despair. And I read about my only hope, my only true friend, the only one I trust: God Himself. The One I call Abba, loving Father.

I think, what really helped me to get over the anger that had nestled in my heart was the power of forgiveness. And in order to forgive, I had to accept that I’m all grown up now. And that the hurt, that I carried with me from my past, was actually my inner child’s hurt. In order to become a healthy independent adult being, I learned to identify my co-dependent behaviour towards my parents (even in my late 20s). For many years, I’d been emotionally swamped and I almost panicked when it came to decision making of any kind. An invisible umbilical chord had connected us in unhealthy ways.

As a young woman I’d been looking for human saviours to help me out of my misery, just to end up in more co-dependent relationships – AGAIN AND AGAIN! I know, this is a common theme for many of us.

When I got saved, I began to write daily love letters to God to forget the pain of my past – and I was (and still Am) truly thankful for God’s love for me. I still have the letters that say, that I only want to be with Him, that I want to sing for Him, that I love Him. In these letters I tell Him again and again that I trust Him, that I’m so thankful that He walks with me wherever I go.

Those letters, I have hundreds of them. They fill my books and my draws. And as this year comes to an end and I reflect on how far I’ve come in 2018 and what good things the Lord has done for me I realise: There is much less anger in my heart than it used to be. Obviously, this is not something that has changed suddenly but over the years, and I’m so very thankful for it. If I can do it, you can do it too, sister. A smile looks better on you then a grumpy face. :-)

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